Adventures in Depression

I'm not exactly sure when it happened. For years I'd managed to keep everything under control, and not just on the outside. Sure, I got good at hiding it for awhile, but at some point I wasn't "faking it until I was making it", I was actually doing all right. And it lasted for quite a few years. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. It was this sudden weight tied to my ankles and heaviness in my chest. I knew what it was but I was afraid that if I gave it a name I would be admitting it had returned. I was sad. I was tired. I was lonely.

I was depressed.

For safety sake, I'll say here that this is a trigger warning for what you will find between the stars. And some of what you read may be unsettling. Especially if you only know me as the happy, smiling girl you see at church every week, or the producer who is always giggling and cheerful in cast meetings. You have been warned.

Admitting I was depressed was such a hard thing to do. Harder than anyone knows. *In fact, many don't know that in my early twenties my depression was so bad that I had suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion. I remember nights I happened to be alone in my apartment, sitting on the floor and having vivid imaginations about how to go about doing it. Obviously I never went through with it, but I did find other very unhealthy ways to cope.* I suppose cope isn't the best word to use. Distract would be more accurate I suppose. But back then I had nothing going on. I had precious few friends, health issues no one understood, anxiety beyond description, no job, and no real picture of my future. I saw no way out and I had plenty of reasons to be depressed. Now? Now....everything is so different.

Post Secret

I've never had so many truly awesome things going on at once in my life. Let me tell you, when you ask God to use you and mean it with your whole heart...hang on. Because He'll take you for a ride. Don't ask to be used if you don't really want to be used. I'm just saying.

For awhile last year my relationship with God was a little strained. Not because of Him but because of me. I was questioning everything I thought He was telling me to do, all the while asking to be led in the direction He wanted me to go. I knew I was doing it but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't trust enough to really, well, trust. It's like I was asking a cartographer for the right road to take, then asking a barber, a shoe salesman, and a blind man what they thought the cartographer's very straightforward directions meant. Texas didn't happen. Ben and I didn't work out. My car....my car... So I kind of kept my distance from God without moving too far away, if that make sense.

I knew, at least I felt, I had disappointed Him. So I kept Him at arm's length until fairly recently, actually. Through a group I was part of at church I had things stripped away and it was like a new beginning for my spirituality. That was when I asked God to use me. It was the true cry of my heart. And He began using me. Sometimes in ways I wouldn't have even expected. But then things He was doing with me and through me were amazing. So when did the bad stuff come back, and why couldn't I get rid of it?

For a few weeks I was having random anxiety attacks over silly things. Sometimes over nothing at all. Then I started having them in the middle of the night. They weren't things that woke me up, but happened in very vivid dreams I couldn't escape. So I'd wake up the next morning exhausted because my body had reacted as though I were having these massive attacks. A very dear friend of mine began praying for me (as I know others were) and the panic attacks subsided. But sleep was still elusive for awhile. I was so afraid of sleep that I did what I could to stay awake. And when I did fall asleep I could constantly wake up in fear of falling too deep asleep. 

Then there is the depression. I'll have you know I have never been happier in my life before than I am at this moment. But I've also never felt more broken. Wounded. Exposed. Raw. Insanely lonely. I hurt, and most days I hurt deeply. And for no reason. I praise God through it all because I know it's what I'm supposed to do (SO thankful for Alanna Story's newest album!)...but it won't go away.

Some Christians believe with everything in them that medication for depression and anxiety is a cop out. They'll tell you that you need to pray harder, or that there is some sin nature that is separating you from God and allowing these oppressive feelings to control you. I say that's crap. I say, unless you've ever struggled with these issues and have been on medication for it, you can't understand. It's not a crutch, it's not something to hide behind, and depression/anxiety not something anyone can willingly turn on or off.

For those who have the time (and can overlook a bit of language) I suggest you read this entry in "Hyperboloe and a Half" as well as part two because they are so accurate. I was there before for all of it from beginning to end. For a long time. I'm not going to allow myself to get there again.

So next week I'll opt to pick up the phone and call someone, a professional who will let me cry in her office while I try and will and pray away this chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me more prone to anxiety and depression than some than cry over a bowl of milk and soggy Wheaties. And instead of worrying about how people are going to judge me as I use to, I'll remind myself of the truth; that there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking this type of help. Science has proven depression and anxiety are not simply "mood disorders" but real medical issues. If someone judges me for looking to correct that chemical imbalance they also judge the person who takes vitamins to make up for deficiencies, who takes cold medicine for a nasty cough...anyone who seeks medical treatment for any medical ailment.

This long-winded post is mostly my confession, but also an offer of encouragement to anyone else out there that may be struggling. Don't ever feel ashamed for asking for help and actively seeking it out. Ever.

My Writing Process

Writing original fiction is very different from fanfic in a lot of ways. You don't have established characters, settings, relationships, etc. that you know well. It's all coming from you so you have to get to know them. Sometimes I write little one-shots to flesh them out a bit, see how they interact with others and such. Don't be surprised if you have one thing in mind for a character and they turn out to be something else. One of the characters in my series, Cavalon, was meant to be quiet, reserved, wise and very much in the background. He decided he was going to be annoying, snarcastic, narcissistic, and very much not in the background. I had to reel him in so he didn't steal the spotlight from the main character too much. Which sounds funny but it's true. They take on lives of their own.

For this particular book I just wrote with very little plan in mind. In the end it worked out but I wish I had done it differently. I am now a big advocate of planning out things because it leaves less room for plot holes. Here is what I did for a project I am working on right now.

Once I know what I want to write about, I write down what I know. Names, relationships, anything about setting and scenes. It doesn't have to be in order and it doesn't have to be complete. Just get down what you know so you don't lose it. Trust me, you'll be glad you did. Also make use of a recorder when driving. A lot of stuff comes to me when I'm driving alone and I record it on my phone so I don't lose it. These are the things that are inspiring you to write in the first place so it's so important that you don't lose any of it.

Make a list of characters: Protagonists, Antagonists, and Power Players. The Power Players are important characters to the plot who neither lean too much to good or bad. But they are integral and their absence would disrupt things. Think Discord in MLP after his reformation, or even Kristoff in Frozen who is neither expressly good or bad. Dumbledor is another good example of what a Power Player can be. He is mostly good, definitely not a main character, but important none the less.

Just jot down what you know about them for now, find detailed character sheets online to fill out about them when you get stuck in the planning. Which will happen. Trust me.

Now for the plot. Believe it or not, ending is more important than beginning. If it's just a one story deal, write down where it will end and what is happening, how everything comes together for the great resolve. If it is part of a larger series, now write down these very same things for the overall series. Now figure out the beginning of just that first book. Once that is done, you have a nice shell to work within, But you still need a setting and genre to make things complete.

Are you writing a love story? An adventure? Mystery? It can be more than one but it should focus more toward one than another. That is what will drive your story and keep it from being swept up in needless scenes.

Your setting involves a lot more than landscape, especially if you're writing sci-fi or fantasy. You need to know your magical system, your political system, relations between countries - if there are grudges being held, alliances - who is in power. What is the level of technology, currency, things like this. This part is fun because you're building a world!

Now you start asking yourself "What comes next?" a lot. Look at the basic shell you've created and start filling in scenes. Start at the beginning and ask yourself that question. Write down the answer. Ask again. Rinse and repeat. If you get stuck, find a different scene and ask, "How did it get here?" meaning, what happened just prior to this that made it end up here? If you get really stuck, work on some character sheets for awhile. Spend time with them. Get to know the people whose lives you're playing with. Things will begin to come to you, I promise.

Eventually you will have a brilliant list of scenes and a hefty file full of character sheets. Now it's time to break things down into chapters. A chapter can consist of anywhere from 2-5 scenes, depending on dramatic tension and action. Do this until all of the important scenes you wanted are mapped out and in order of plot progression. Keep going until you have your entire book mapped out from beginning to end, then read it through a couple of times to make sure it flows right. Can you picture it all happening naturally? Does something stick out as not really belonging? Are there moments that drag and have no real importance? There are need to know things.

Once you are comfortable with that, get writing! You already have a map, now it's time to get behind the wheel and drive. It's a fantastic journey that will make you laugh, maybe make you cry, definitely make you want to kill someone (fictional or not) at least twice. And when you reach the end you'll feel like you're saying goodbye to friends you've known your entire life, even if there is another book with them coming.

My Father's Image

Every few weeks it seems there is a new quiz making its way around Facebook. "What's Your Maturity Age?", "What Color is your Aura?", personality tests, you name it and there is a quiz for it on Facebook, and if there isn't, well just wait a few days and it will exist. One test that recently made the ever-important news feed of "Most Recent" among my friends was a quiz that would help you determine whether you were more right-brained or left-brained. I've taken many of these types of tests before and have always, even as a young child, been a right-brainer. But I decided to take this one because it gave percentages and I was curious. After a handful of questions it was determined that I was 75% right-brained. I wasn't shocked at anything but the high percentage and the fact that they could determine this after just ten questions.

At first I questioned what that actually meant for me. Did that mean I wasn't analytical? Insightful? Was I just not that smart? My mind went a little crazy as it tends to do far too often. Then I took a breath and reminded myself that I am not dumb. I oftentimes feel like I am but then I have those moments where I say something so right and intelligent that I even amaze myself. (Has anyone ever seen "Drop Dead Diva"? Well I kind of feel like Deb sometimes when random moments of sheer brilliance come spouting from the Jane part of her brain.) And then I started thinking about it a little deeper. Maybe I'm not a genius but that doesn't make me less than. Quite the contrary, I think.

A good friend of mine gifted me with a bible study called "30 Life Principles" when she heard I was looking for a study to do on my own. I thought it looked decent enough to give it a try, so one morning I sat down with the intent of just kind of reading things over and get to a couple of the first chapter questions later. I was hooked almost from question one. These were questions I'd heard asked before but were posed in such a way that the answers truly became personal and reflective. And I started writing answers, looking up verses, reading deeper, and an hour later I'd done the whole first chapter. It was fantastic!

One of the questions asked was, "When God said, 'Let Us make man in Our image according to Our likeness', what do you think He meant?". This whole right-brained thing and my obsessive over-analyzing made me go back to this question and chew it over a bit more.

I am made in the image of God. I have known this in my head since I was a child. As an adult I still keep that truth tucked away in my vault of bible knowledge. But what does it mean? Does it mean that God is a short overweight white girl with skin problems? I'm pretty sure He's not. But I am still made in His image in a way that is better than any physical likeness I could ever imagine.

Before all else, God is a creator. That's one of the names He is often referred to as, the Great Creator. That's what He is called in one of my stories. Before man ever walked the earth He took seven days (be they literal or whatever you believe) to simply create. He made beauty from nothing. He brought life to a lifeless plain. He painted the first magnificent sunset and wrote the very first love story. He created man. Simply put, He created.  

There are many times that very simple things will start me thinking of a potential story or, more recently, lyrics. Christmas Eve I was sitting in the sanctuary during service at Centerpoint and one simple word, the very way it was presented, started my brain on this rush of images and ideas. And as I chastised myself and tried to focus on the presentation once more I idly thought, "The dreaded writer's curse." And very quietly, as if the last word of my thought was echoing through a cave, it changed and came back to me as a whispered "blessing". I am blessed to be able to find inspiration everywhere and in almost everything. I love it and I praise God for it every time He gives me a new idea. That time was a little different because I was in church and was supposed to be paying attention, but with that simple tender exchange of words in my mind He reminded me that my creativity is a gift He was gracious enough to give me. He reminded me once again that I am indeed made in His image because I am also a creator.

Others have His compassion, His grace, His endless capacity and desire for knowledge. He put a little of himself in all of us but knew if He put all of His true awesomeness into one single human it would just be like creating another god. And there can only be One.

I am made in God's image. I finally know this not only in my head but now in my heart as well. So other people can be the brains, others can even be the great beauty. I'm quite happy being the creator.