How are you?
It’s a question I’ve been getting asked a lot lately, mostly through texts or messages. Nine times out of ten I have ignored the question or just chosen not to respond. Not because I don’t want to talk to anyone or I’m being rude. It sounds ridiculous to say but lately, even just returning a text is too much for me. It leads to conversation and conversation is not a thing I am up for right now. And honestly, it changes so frequently that I don’t know how to honestly answer. I may be great one minute and then bawling my eyes out the next.
This year has been kind of a nightmare and we’re still only halfway through.
Between my mom’s cancer, coming to accept her decision about her treatment, my dad’s stroke, him coming home and seeing him have to relearn things like a preschool kid, him going back in the hospital for a severe infection, my brother’s vacillation between helpfulness, severe depression, and rage, me being a taxi and running errands for two adults I don’t even live with, really struggling with the loneliness and separation of a long distance relationship, and taking care of my own health issues… I’m tired. I am so tired and overwhelmed. And I’m gonna be honest, I’m really wrestling with my faith in all of this.
I hate to even admit to that because my relationship with God, my ability to go to Him with anything and everything and know it’s going to be all right even when it seems life is at its darkest, has always been the thing that keeps me from drowning. Right now, that’s not there. I have a lot of hurt, confusion, even anger. I don’t understand why any of this is happening, let alone why it’s all happening at the same time. I just don’t understand, and I’m struggling to remind myself that God is good no matter what.
Most of the time when people ask how you are, it’s a polite societal impulse. We don’t really want to know how the other person is really doing but we ask because it’s what we’re supposed to do. You get your very surfacy answer, nothing too deep, and you move on. For most of you who have asked how I am, I know this is not the case. I know you’re asking and checking in on me out of love and concern. And I apologize for being a sucky friend and not keeping you up to date, but it’s hard to make this admission over and over.
How are you?
Honestly, I am a complete mess. But I’m doing my best to not get pulled under.
In September of last year, Avril Lavine released her first song after a long period of silence.It’s nothing like she’s ever released before, speaking of needing God to keep her from drowning and how much of a struggle it is to see through to the other side of the storm. It’s a gorgeous song with lyrics that just so perfectly encapsulate how I’m feeling.
So that’s how I am. I’m praying, sincerely praying, the rest of this year goes a little bit smoother, and that my faith will grow through all of this turbulence.
Next post will be back to the usual writing-centric stuff you’ve come to expect from me. I just needed to get this out to give myself some release. Thanks for understanding.